14 Useful Marketing Tips for Small Businesses: Skint Entrepreneurs' Guide to Shameless Self-Promotion

Blimey, I've got some cracking marketing tips for you small business owners out there! Running a tiny shop or startup can be tougher than getting the last biscuit at tea time. But fear not, my entrepreneurial chums - I'm here to share some nuggets of wisdom that'll have customers flocking to you like seagulls to chips.

These 14 nifty marketing tricks will give your business more oomph than a double-decker bus full of caffeine-fuelled football hooligans. I've scoured the depths of my marketing know-how and emerged with a treasure trove of advice that'll make your competitors green with envy. So, grab a cuppa and prepare to be dazzled by some jolly good ideas that'll have you raking in the pounds faster than you can say "God save the Queen!"

1. Use social media like it's 1999

Remember the good old days of dial-up internet and AOL chat rooms? Well, it's time to bring that energy to your social media marketing! I'm talking about embracing the chaos and unpredictability of the early internet era.

First things first, forget about those fancy algorithms and targeted ads. We're going old school! I recommend posting random thoughts at odd hours, just like we used to do on our LiveJournal accounts.

Don't worry about perfect aesthetics or curated feeds. Embrace the pixelated glory of low-resolution images and poorly edited videos. Your followers will appreciate the nostalgic charm.

And let's not forget about the power of chain letters! Encourage your audience to share your posts with "10 friends or face 7 years of bad luck". It's foolproof, I tell you!

Lastly, pepper your posts with as many acronyms as possible. LOL, ROFL, BRB - the more confused your audience is, the better. It's all about creating that authentic Y2K vibe.

2. Send newsletters that sparkle

I've got a secret weapon for small business marketing: newsletters that sparkle! Now, I'm not talking about dousing your emails in glitter (though that would be fab). I'm referring to creating content that shines brighter than a disco ball.

First things first, I make sure my subject lines are catchier than the latest pop tune. No yawn-inducing "Monthly Newsletter" here! I go for something like "Psst... Your Inbox Just Got 10 Times Cooler".

Inside, I keep things short and sweet. Nobody's got time for a novel in their inbox. I break up the text with eye-catching images and maybe throw in a cheeky GIF or two. Who doesn't love a dancing cat?

I always include a juicy tidbit or exclusive offer. It's like hiding a golden ticket in a chocolate bar, except less messy and more legal.

Lastly, I sprinkle in some personality. My newsletters aren't just informative; they're a party in pixels! I crack jokes, share behind-the-scenes snippets, and generally make my readers feel like we're best mates sharing a cuppa.

3. Google Analytics (your new best friend)

I've got to tell you, Google Analytics is like that mate who always knows what's going on. It's the ultimate wingman for your small business website. Trust me, once you start using it, you'll wonder how you ever managed without it.

Picture this: You're at a party, and Google Analytics is the gossip queen, spilling all the juicy details about your website visitors. It'll tell you who's dropping by, how long they're staying, and which pages they're snooping around.

But wait, there's more! This digital detective will even reveal how these lovely people found your site in the first place. Was it through a cheeky Google search? Or perhaps they stumbled upon your brilliant social media post?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Isn't this all a bit creepy?" Well, maybe a tad. But fear not! We're not talking about stalking here. It's all anonymous data that helps you understand your audience better.

And the best part? It's free! That's right, you can get all this invaluable information without spending a penny. So go on, make friends with Google Analytics. Your small business will thank you for it.

4. Don't annoy your audience; entertain them!

I've learned the hard way that boring marketing is a surefire way to lose customers. Nobody wants to be bombarded with dull, repetitive adverts that feel like a chore to sit through.

Instead, I've found that injecting a bit of humour into my marketing campaigns works wonders. It's like telling a good joke at a party – people actually want to hear more!

I try to create content that makes my audience chuckle. Whether it's a clever pun in an email subject line or a cheeky social media post, a little laughter goes a long way.

Of course, I'm careful not to go overboard. The goal is to entertain, not to become a full-time comedian. I always make sure the core message about my product or service shines through.

I've noticed that when I make my marketing fun, people are more likely to engage with it. They share it with friends, leave positive comments, and even look forward to my next campaign.

5. SEO: It's not a fancy sandwich

I know what you're thinking - SEO sounds like some posh sarnie you'd find at an overpriced café. But trust me, it's far more appetising for your business. Search Engine Optimisation is the secret sauce that helps your website climb the Google ladder.

Think of it as giving your site a megaphone in the crowded digital marketplace. By sprinkling the right keywords throughout your content, you're basically shouting, "Oi! Over here!" to potential customers.

But don't go overboard, mate. Stuffing your pages with keywords like a Christmas turkey is a big no-no. Google's not daft - it'll catch on and might even penalise you. Instead, focus on creating quality content that naturally includes relevant terms.

Remember, SEO isn't a one-and-done deal. It's more like tending to a garden (minus the muddy knees). Regular updates, fresh content, and a bit of technical tweaking keep your site in tip-top shape.

So, while SEO might not fill your belly like a fancy sandwich, it'll certainly feed your business with a steady stream of hungry customers. Bon appétit!

6. Collaborate with local influencers

I've got a cracking idea for you small business owners out there. Why not team up with local influencers? It's like having a megaphone for your brand, but with a charming accent and fewer noise complaints.

I'm not talking about nabbing Kim Kardashian for your corner shop (though if you manage that, give me a ring). I mean those lovely folks who've got a decent following in your area. Think local bloggers, Instagrammers with a penchant for flat lays, or that bloke who's always posting about the best coffee shops.

Getting these influencers on board is easier than you might think. I've found that a bit of flattery and free stuff goes a long way. Offer them a sample of your product or a taste of your service. If they like it, they might just shout about it to their followers.

But here's the kicker - make sure your chosen influencer actually fits your brand. There's no point getting the local fitness guru to promote your chip shop, unless you're going for some sort of ironic angle. And trust me, irony doesn't sell chips.

Remember, authenticity is key. Your influencer should genuinely like what you're offering. Otherwise, their followers will smell a rat faster than you can say "sponsored content".

7. Create content that even your mum would love

I reckon if my mum can understand and enjoy my content, anyone can. Let's face it, she's not exactly tech-savvy - bless her heart.

So, I'm going to break things down like I'm explaining them to her over a cuppa. No jargon, no fancy words, just simple, relatable stuff.

I'll chuck in a few jokes and stories that'll make her chuckle. Maybe even a cat video or two - she's mad for those furry little buggers.

But it's not all fun and games. I'll make sure there's some proper useful info in there too. The kind of tips she'd clip out of a magazine and stick on the fridge.

And let's not forget about making it look nice. Big, easy-to-read text and plenty of colourful pictures. Nothing too flashy though - we don't want to give her a headache.

At the end of the day, if I can get my mum nodding along and saying, "Ooh, that's clever!", I reckon I'm onto a winner. After all, mums know best, don't they?

8. Customer feedback: Listen!

I've got a secret weapon for small business success: customer feedback. It's like having a crystal ball, but instead of predicting the future, it tells me what my customers actually want. Brilliant, right?

I make it a point to listen to every bit of feedback that comes my way. Whether it's a glowing review or a scathing critique, I'm all ears. It's like being a detective, piecing together clues to solve the mystery of customer satisfaction.

Sometimes, the feedback I get is about as clear as mud. But I don't let that stop me. I dive in, ask questions, and try to understand what my customers are really saying. It's like playing charades, but with business implications.

I've set up multiple channels for feedback collection. There's the classic suggestion box (which I've jazzed up with some sparkly stickers), online surveys, and even a dedicated phone line. I call it the "Tell Me What You Really Think" hotline.

When I receive feedback, I don't just file it away in some dusty folder. Oh no, I act on it. It's like a game of whack-a-mole, but instead of moles, I'm tackling customer concerns left and right.

9. Run a snazzy website

I reckon having a cracking website is like wearing your Sunday best to a job interview. It's your digital shopfront, and you want it to look proper smart, don't you?

First things first, I'd say keep it simple and clean. No need for all those flashing lights and annoying pop-ups. That's about as welcome as a wasp at a picnic.

Now, make sure your site works on mobile. These days, everyone's glued to their phones like they're expecting a call from the Queen herself.

I always tell folks to add some personality to their site. Throw in a bit of humour or a cheeky backstory. It's like adding salt to your chips - it just makes everything better.

Don't forget to keep your content fresh. A stale website is about as appealing as yesterday's fish and chips.

Lastly, make it dead easy for people to get in touch. A hidden 'Contact Us' page is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Remember, your website should be as inviting as a warm pub on a cold day. Get it right, and you'll have customers flocking in like seagulls to a dropped ice cream.

10. Use chatbots; they're like talking to a wall, but smarter

I've got to admit, chatbots are the introverted marketer's dream come true. They're always ready for a chat, never get tired, and don't judge my terrible jokes.

These digital chatterboxes can handle customer queries 24/7, leaving me free to focus on more important tasks - like perfecting my coffee-making skills.

But here's the real kicker: chatbots are getting smarter by the day. They're like that friend who always seems to know the answer, except they don't get smug about it.

I've found that integrating chatbots into my small business marketing strategy has been a game-changer. They've helped streamline customer service, boost engagement, and even generate leads.

And let's not forget the entertainment factor. I've had some hilarious conversations with chatbots that rival my best pub banter. Who knew artificial intelligence could have such a cracking sense of humour?

So, if you're looking to add a touch of wit and efficiency to your marketing efforts, give chatbots a go. They might just become your new best (digital) friend.

11. Host webinars with cheesy jokes

I've discovered a secret weapon for small business marketing: webinars sprinkled with cheesy jokes. It's a brilliant way to engage your audience and make your brand memorable.

I start each webinar with a groan-worthy pun related to my topic. For example, "Why did the marketing campaign go to school? To get better grades!" It sets a lighthearted tone and breaks the ice.

Throughout the presentation, I pepper in more jokes. "What do you call a marketer who's always on time? Punc-shoe-al!" It keeps attendees awake and attentive, even during drier segments.

I've found that self-deprecating humour works wonders. "My first attempt at SEO was so bad, even my mum couldn't find my website!" It shows I don't take myself too seriously.

At the end, I encourage participants to share their own terrible marketing jokes. It's a fun way to boost interaction and leave everyone smiling.

Remember, the key is to keep the jokes relevant and inoffensive. You want chuckles, not cringes. With the right balance of information and humour, your webinars will be unforgettable.

12. Visuals: A picture is worth a thousand sales

I reckon if a picture's worth a thousand words, it's probably worth a thousand quid too. That's why I'm always banging on about visuals in marketing. They're like the secret sauce that makes your business look proper tasty.

Think about it. When I'm scrolling through my Instagram feed, what catches my eye? Not the walls of text, that's for sure. It's those juicy photos and eye-popping graphics that make me stop and say, "Ooh, what's this then?"

I'll let you in on a little secret. People's brains are wired to process images faster than text. So, if you want to grab someone's attention quicker than you can say "Bob's your uncle," slap a cracking visual on your marketing materials.

But don't just throw any old picture up there. Make it relevant, make it high-quality, and for Pete's sake, make it interesting. Nobody wants to see another stock photo of people in suits shaking hands. Yawn.

And remember, visuals aren't just for social media. Sprinkle them liberally across your website, emails, and even business cards. Trust me, your marketing will look so good, people will think you've hired a fancy London agency.

13. Email marketing: It's not spam, promise

I know what you're thinking - email marketing is just a fancy way to spam people's inboxes, right? Wrong! When done properly, it's a brilliant tool for small businesses.

First things first, let's talk about consent. I'm not suggesting you bombard random folks with unsolicited messages. That's a surefire way to end up in the junk folder faster than you can say "unsubscribe".

Instead, focus on building a list of people who actually want to hear from you. Offer something valuable in exchange for their email address, like a discount code or a free guide.

Now, onto the fun part - crafting emails that people actually want to read. Think of it as a friendly chat with your customers, not a sales pitch. Share useful tips, behind-the-scenes peeks, or exclusive offers.

Don't forget to personalise! Nobody likes feeling like just another name on a list. Use their first name, segment your audience, and tailor your content to their interests.

Timing is everything. Find out when your subscribers are most likely to open emails and schedule accordingly. And please, for the love of all things holy, don't send daily emails unless you want to see your unsubscribe rate skyrocket.

14. Networking events (bring the biscuits)

I've discovered the secret weapon for networking events: biscuits. Trust me, nothing breaks the ice quite like a chocolate digestive. When I roll up with a tin of assorted treats, I'm instantly the most popular person in the room.

It's not just about the snacks, though. Networking events are goldmines for small business owners like me. I get to meet potential clients, partners, and even competitors face-to-face. It's a chance to put a name to a face and build those all-important relationships.

I always come prepared with my business cards and a winning smile. But let's be honest, it's the biscuits that seal the deal. I've closed more deals over a custard cream than I care to admit.

Of course, it's not all about schmoozing. I make sure to listen more than I talk. Everyone loves a good listener, especially when they're munching on a Jammie Dodger.

So, next time you're heading to a networking event, don't forget to pack some biscuits. You'll be the talk of the town, and your business will thank you for it. Just remember to bring enough for seconds!

Leveraging Social Media

Social media has become the digital playground where businesses can show off their quirky side and connect with customers. I've found it to be an absolute goldmine for marketing my small business on a shoestring budget.

Creating Engaging Content

I've learned that the key to social media success is crafting content that's as addictive as cat videos. I always aim to spark conversations and tickle funny bones. Memes, GIFs, and witty captions are my secret weapons.

I mix things up with behind-the-scenes peeks, customer spotlights, and the occasional dad joke. It keeps my followers on their toes, never knowing what chuckle-worthy post might pop up next.

User-generated content is a real gem. I encourage customers to share their experiences and repost their content. It's like free advertising, but better because it comes with a side of authenticity.

Building Brand Loyalty

I've discovered that social media is brilliant for turning casual scrollers into die-hard fans. I make it a point to respond to comments and messages faster than you can say "viral tweet".

Running contests and giveaways is my go-to strategy for boosting engagement. Who doesn't love free stuff? It's a win-win: followers get excited, and I get more eyes on my brand.

I've also found that exclusive social media offers work wonders. Nothing says "I appreciate you" quite like a cheeky discount code just for my loyal followers.

Consistency is key, but I keep it fresh. I stick to a posting schedule that's more reliable than my Gran's Sunday roast, but I'm always experimenting with new content ideas to keep things spicy.

Optimising Local SEO

I've cracked the code on local SEO, and I'm buzzing to share my secrets with you. Trust me, it's not rocket science, but it might just rocket your business to the top of local search results!

Claiming Your Google My Business Profile

First things first, I nabbed my Google My Business profile faster than you can say "free marketing". It's like getting a golden ticket to the local search party. I filled out every nook and cranny of that profile with juicy details about my business.

Opening hours? Check. Photos that don't look like they were taken with a potato? Double-check. I even threw in some quirky Q&As for good measure. It's like dressing up your business in its Sunday best, but for the internet.

And let's not forget about those pesky categories. I picked them as carefully as I choose my socks - making sure they're a perfect match for my business. The result? I'm showing up in local searches like a boss.

Encouraging Customer Reviews

Now, onto the review game. I've become a review-seeking missile, but in a totally non-creepy way. I've made it easier for happy customers to leave reviews than it is to resist a plate of warm cookies.

I've plastered QR codes leading to my review page everywhere - receipts, business cards, even the loo door (okay, maybe not the last one). And when I say "please leave a review", I throw in a cheeky wink and a promise of eternal gratitude.

I respond to reviews faster than a cat pouncing on a laser pointer. Good reviews get a hearty "cheers mate", while the not-so-good ones get a "let's sort this out" approach. It's all about showing I care, even when someone's having a moan.

Email Marketing Strategies

Email marketing can be a hilarious rollercoaster ride for small businesses. I've got some cheeky tips to make your campaigns stand out and tickle your subscribers' funny bones.

Crafting Compelling Subject Lines

I've learned that subject lines are like pick-up lines - they need to be short, snappy, and make people curious enough to open up. I once used "Is your inbox feeling lonely?" and got a 40% open rate!

Try using puns or pop culture references. "May the sales be with you" worked wonders for my Star Wars-themed promotion. Don't be afraid to use emojis, but use them sparingly. One well-placed ???? can make all the difference.

Remember, timing is everything. I've found that sending emails on Tuesday mornings often gets the best results. But test different days and times to see what works for your audience.

Personalising Email Content

I love to make my subscribers feel special by addressing them by name. It's like giving them a virtual hug! But don't stop there - segment your list based on their interests or past purchases.

I once sent out a "Which cheese are you?" quiz to my food-loving subscribers. It was a hit! The results led to personalised product recommendations. Talk about cheesy marketing!

Use dynamic content to show different images or offers based on the recipient's location or preferences. It's like magic, but with less top hats and more sales.

Don't forget to sprinkle in some humour throughout your emails. A well-placed joke or funny GIF can make your message more memorable and shareable.